white wedding.

  the wedding is everything she ever could've dreamed of. white dress, her mother's, the purple juice stain from years of dress-up past bleached away. strings of pearls around her waist, draped on her collarbone. blush on her cheeks, green eyes like a forest viewed from a circular pond. white roses mixed alongside red, splashes of colored bouquets and ribbons against pure white walls.

  he was everything she ever could've dreamed of. eyes blue like whatever cliché --ocean, sky, easter eggs in april-- you'd want to compare them to, lively and smiling wider than even the supernova slash across his face as he fiddles with his tie. he stands in front of a mirror with the kind of personality that's outgoing, attractive, desirable; she wonders how she'd gotten the chance to steal him away from the crowds she never meshed into.

  before the wedding she paces, and she wants to collapse or turn around and run, but no, she reminds herself, she loves him, and this is right. but is it right? no one is there to tell her. she holds onto the arm of her uncle like a buoy in the middle of the sea as she walks down the aisle with a smile plastered to her face that feels real when she meets his eyes through the veil and starts to blush. it feels real when her uncle whispers say a prayer if you need to. and she sees her mother beaming in the front row, sitting alone.

  maybe she feels a little claustrophobic in her white dress and pearls, with her white heels and white walls. maybe she feels a little uncomfortable as she walks up the stairs and nearly falls, but her uncle grabs her arm, as she remembers when that long-gone boy from her past used to tell her you are a white rose, innocent and pure and more beautiful than anything. but maybe she forgets that when she sees her future husband smile and maybe she ignores it until she nearly forgets her lines, but she manages to breathe i do.

  but it's at the reception where all the maybes become definitely because maybe she didn't notice him in her audience. when the games are all over, it's time to dance. but before that she's talking with the guests and she sees him shifting his weight from side to side awkwardly. her brother, younger than her, says in that white you look like a virgin. and she laughs but it tastes sour in her throat like bitter medicine because he is standing awkwardly on the edge of her vision.

  the band plays their song and she dances with her husband but as she spins she sees him watching her with some kind of strange aloofness that makes her want to scream just like she used to. and he walks over when the next song plays; the song that brings back memories of him and she curses his ironic timing when he asks can i borrow your wife for a moment? (and chokes on wife).

  her husband smiles and saysokay but he doesn't know; he has no idea. but she spins with him and remembers him and she almost wants to smile because he smells the same as he used to but honestly she'd rather cry. her skirts spin around her ankles as she spins with him and once or twice he steps on them because he never was the best dancer. he says you look good. and holds her closer. she swallows and says you look better. and holds back tears.

  the song plays on and she remembers watching the stars with him, counting them. she remembers this song reminds me of you. and his staying up all night when she was sick to make up for days before. meanwhile he remembers pictures of her and i know i'm crazy. and i want to grow old with you. and forever. she remembers forever too; it ended too soon.

  you know, she whispers, i used to swear it would have been you standing next to me on that altar.

  i wish you had been right, he whispers back.

  she holds back all her tears now, eyes like a dam. she can't cry, she can't be sad. she wants to put her head against his chest like she used to but it's too late now; everyone is watching.

  me too, she tells him.

  what's wrong, mrs. creager? he asks her.

  my heart is breaking again, mr. henley. she replies.

  i miss you, he thinks, and she thinks it too. but it's too late. the violins play on while a raw voice sings about a book full of lovely things and long stories. they remember forevers and i love you more than anythings and wonder what happened.

  the song ends and someone else wants to dance with the blushing bride, and it takes him a moment to let go. they look at each other for a long time before he tells her he has to go. she gives him a hug but he kisses her cheek and whispers in her ear is it everything you wanted?.

  and she watches as everything she wanted walks away.